yes, i am a dreamer

i didn't use to be a dreamer. i thought small and put myself in a box and thus i had no hope. however ... if you let god overtake your mind and your dreams, OH MY WORD .. it's crazy! i feel like i can truly do anything, like i am not limited to what my feeble mind can think of. i mean, my God has taken my boring job and transformed it into a thriving ministry opportunity. he has taken my wednesday nights with my junior high students and totally blown my mind with the options and the relationships that he is bringing to me.

after not being able to return to moody because finances and then having to find a full time job, i pretty much stopped dreaming and felt resolved to a life that wasn't as good as people i knew. i was insanely jealous of my friends back at school that got to live what i thought was perfect, happy, fun filled lives. i felt ashamed to say what i was doing with my life when asked because i wasn't about to start a crazy internship in the sahara desert or i wasn't finishing my master's degree or i wasn't getting ready to plan my wedding. my answer was simply, "i work ... five days a week ... at a bank ..". yet my God changed all of that! he has brought me a joy and a feeling of satisfaction and contentment that i have never felt before. he's also been nurturing new passions within me, especially when it comes to my junior high girls. i am so lucky to be in their lives and so excited to see what god is going to do with that new found passion of mine.

let god take over your mind, your thinking, and your emotions. you seriously will not be let down with the results. he can change any circumstance, any situation, no matter how hopeless or boring it sounds and redeem it to something beautiful and fulfilling. trust me.

love & other (godly) drugs

so i was watching the movie love and other drugs for the second time tonight and after i finished watching it, i shut my laptop, got out my quiet time material and prepared to talk to god. being the closeted romantic that i am, i started to share with Him what i liked from that movie and what i didn't like, secretly hoping that He is filing all of this information in his "sarah's future husband" box for me later ...

and then lightning struck. i remembered a couple lines VIVIDLY from the last scene in the movie and i heard god speaking to me. i reopened my laptop, rewound the video to where i wanted, grabbed my journal and a pen and started writing the dialogue out ...

maggie: i'm going to need you more than you need me.

jamie: that's ok.

maggie: no it's not! it isn't fair! i have places to go ...

jamie: you'll go there ... i just may have to carry you.

maggie: i can't ask you to do that.

jamie: you didn't

tears started forming as the realization of what god was saying to me hit my closeted blonde brain: "sarah, you never asked me to be a part of your life when i died for you, when i decided to create you ... i did it anyways. i love you despite your weaknesses. nothing you say will ever scare me away from loving you."

dear reader, i hope you put your name in there instead of mine because that is TRULY god's heart for you and for me. no matter where you are in life or what you've done or haven't done, god is SO in love with you, for you, not for what you can do but for you at your very core and soul. and no one can love you the way this man can.

next time you're watching a movie or reading a book or taking a walk in nature or basically doing whatever you enjoy doing, i challenge you to listen for his voice. he may surprise you because i can tell you, he surely surprised me! i was not looking to hear his voice watching this movie and yet, plain as day, HE was there. he can reach you WHEREVER you are at through WHATEVER means he wants. you are never far from his grasp.

my [single] bucket list

as i was driving home from a visit with one of my coworkers, i was mulling over what to post next and was asking jesus if he had any thoughts and it was instantly after that that this post came to mind: my bucket list for my single years. i feel like our generation these days are getting more and more pressure to be in relationships, to use having a significant other as your identifier and what you base your worth on. that's just crazy to me and Jesus has placed a burden in my heart to spread the message that being single is awesome and we should not waste a single moment of the precious time god has blessed us with as singles. it's not just a cute saying that jesus can satisfy the desires of your heart. it is a literal statement that should be taken as a FACT. my lord is my all; he has my heart and he feels it with a love that is so much more than what a human man could give me. that doesn't mean that i don't long to be in a relationship. we were created for others, it's only natural. however, that desire doesn't define or drive my life or the decisions that i make. my ministry and my life is not on hold for my future man. i am all about living life to the fullest while i have all of this freedom.

so without further ado .... i present my bucket list!

• learn italian
• finish war & peace
• travel over to the middle east
• start & finish my masters degree
• start a summer small group for my beautiful jr. high ladies
• share my story with all of my non christian girlfriend that i have and will have in the future
• learn all of justin bieber's songs
• backpack throughout southern europe
• monthly add to my vacation/future honeymoon fund
• spend everyday in my savior's arms
• learn to love without limits

i'm sure i'll be constantly adding to this list as god keeps changing my heart and letting me experience more and more amazing things. life on earth can be beautiful if lived every day with the knowledge that heaven is coming.

let's embrace our singleness with such joy!!

here/now

god truly has a crazy sense of humor. and he can TRULY use any method of communication to speak to us something big, and life changing. today for instance, i was wrapping up my hellcats marathon and lo and behold, as i was engrossed in an episode with my cup of coffee, i heard Him. it's hard to explain because i would have to go in detail as to what was happening in the particular episode and i don't want to sound even more crazy but suffice this to say, after the episode was over, i was slightly stunned. i heard god asking me a very simple question: "sarah, what are you passionate about?" instantly, 'people' came to my mind. i am so passionate about loving people, living life with people, connecting with people ... especially women and especially over coffee. next, i heard god say, "well ... then why aren't you living as if this passion was driving you?" that silenced me quick. he then went on to point out that i haven't actually been sold out for anything really ever in my life. i've had/have strong desires and yes, passions but never has it totally TAKEN over my whole being and driven me like a force to act upon it. i always find something to hold me back - i.e. my fears of rejection and failure. even at my job, the fact that people might not like me because i have to try and sell them a credit card will literally cripple me into a silence which then results in me not giving my all at work. and that doesn't feel very good.

god started to show me that the reasons i haven't felt very contented or joyful or satisfied is that i have not been totally living in my 'here' moment and haven't been seizing my 'now' moments. i'd somehow settled upon a very mediocre and safe way of living. and i was standing in my shower, having this conversation with god, i realized i couldn't continue to live this way. it has to stop - NOW. i have to stop selling my relationship with my god short and start believing and trusting him with this same sort of sold out passion that i need to apply to EVERY area of my life: work, friends, family, recovery, church, etc .... i heard him saying, "sarah, who cares about the risks??! you have me! and i am not going anywhere, ever. i love you and together, you can fear nothing."

i broke down at this point, i was so overwhelmed. i now saw my life in a completely different light and it was so powerful. god was calling me to live as if every hard, and painful thing that i have gone through was a blessing because it caused me to give all the glory to god because i physically and emotionally couldn't handle it or rescue myself on my own. and now he's given me another painful and incredibly hard thing to deal with and yet instead of wallowing in the knowledge of what i have to deal with now every day of my life, i am filled with joy because i can relate even more to broken people who need to see jesus. as i stood crying in my bathroom, i started seeing my life flash by as a series of events that i could use to connect and show god's incredible, passionate, never ending love and mercy with. i realized that i have been blessed so much! my painful and broken past is so beautiful. it's not a story of abuse and heartbreak but instead its a story of a broken girl and powerful man who died to save her life and started to pursue her with a healing love that broke down all her walls and redeemed her from the life she had been living.

i can truly say that right now i am content. i have all i need. and now i am more than ever determined to share my story and tell people of this amazing relationship that i am in and how my life was forever changed by a guy named Jesus.

if you find yourself hurting and feeling alone and unloved, let's talk. i'll make us some coffee and i'll share my story and pray that at the end, you'll be as captivated by my man as i am.

gravity

it's really a funny thing what happens when you start to get confident in yourself and you take your eyes off of god for just one second ... gravity occurs. you fall. you lose focus, identity, and start trying to find that in other things. it is not a fun feeling ... falling, i mean. however, there is something beautiful about it, the fact that my god thrives on using hard times to pull me back towards himself. it's when i am at my most vulnerable and weakest that i hear my god's voice telling me, "sarah, i love you. you are mine, and you are so enough." amazing, right? sometimes, gravity is a blessing in disguise because it can highlight an area that you didn't know you needed work on. for me, it's the confidence in the flesh instead of solely on my jesus.

sometimes "defying gravity" is counterproductive ... unless you are a green witch. sometimes, it takes falling on our faces to truly be able to look up.

back to the basics

jesus loves me this i know ...

oh how i need and cherish those words. some days, all you really need to know and focus and believe is the basic truths and elements of christianity. we are loved by a god who died for us. that's it. simple. to the point.

LOVE.

protection

so lately i have been feeling like i have been staring down the barrel of a gun, just waiting for destruction and death to come. satan has been holding the gun at me. and i've responded with fear, and trembling and weakness, completely forgetting who is walking through this desert with me. so my jesus, being completely perfect and amazing, led me to deuteronomy 2 tonight and what i read just blew my mind yet again & i hope, reader, that this brings you much comfort as well.

jesus was very direct and blunt with me tonight, which i love because frankly, he loves for me to trust and go out on a limb for him most of the time. but tonight, he knew i really needed to hear something right away. in chapter two, moses is still giving a recap of what the israelites had gone through during their time in the wilderness. verse 7 caught my eye: "for the LORD your God has blessed you in everything you have done. He has watched your every step through this great wilderness. during these forty years, the LORD your God has been with you, and you have lacked nothing." wow. it's simply amazing to me that that same YHWH is with me TODAY ... it's amazing peace to me. jesus was like, "sarah, you have been so blessed by me and you miss it ... a lot. you look past my blessing and see only what you don't have which honestly are things you DON'T need otherwise i would have provided them for you. i am and always with be watching and praying and supporting you as you go through life. nothing is unseen by me. i care about every little detail. you tend to forgot i am ALWAYS with you & it breaks my heart because i love you. the next time you feel frustrated by something you don't have, remember ... you lack nothing. you have enough in me. i will satisfy you." he is crazy ... haha. that's just how i see it. but i love him for it.

the rest of the chapter god used still for me. moses goes on to recap how every time a hostile group was going to cross paths with the israelites, god warned them before hand and led them through it. and THEN ... he even purposefully put the Amorites before the israelites and told them that he would hand them over to them. "but king sihon of heshbon refused to allow us to pass through, because the LORD your God made sihon stubborn and defiant so he could help you defeat them (v30). do you get that? god put a huge scary army and situation in the israelites way just so that he could show them he had it covered ... he would defeat the king, the towns, all men, women, and children just to show them he could do it. wow.

that's my god. he is with me in my desert. so really ... why do i complain? i have no reason whatsoever to be complaining or worrying. i have everything that i need and i have a god who will and can fight of giants because he loves me.