here/now

god truly has a crazy sense of humor. and he can TRULY use any method of communication to speak to us something big, and life changing. today for instance, i was wrapping up my hellcats marathon and lo and behold, as i was engrossed in an episode with my cup of coffee, i heard Him. it's hard to explain because i would have to go in detail as to what was happening in the particular episode and i don't want to sound even more crazy but suffice this to say, after the episode was over, i was slightly stunned. i heard god asking me a very simple question: "sarah, what are you passionate about?" instantly, 'people' came to my mind. i am so passionate about loving people, living life with people, connecting with people ... especially women and especially over coffee. next, i heard god say, "well ... then why aren't you living as if this passion was driving you?" that silenced me quick. he then went on to point out that i haven't actually been sold out for anything really ever in my life. i've had/have strong desires and yes, passions but never has it totally TAKEN over my whole being and driven me like a force to act upon it. i always find something to hold me back - i.e. my fears of rejection and failure. even at my job, the fact that people might not like me because i have to try and sell them a credit card will literally cripple me into a silence which then results in me not giving my all at work. and that doesn't feel very good.

god started to show me that the reasons i haven't felt very contented or joyful or satisfied is that i have not been totally living in my 'here' moment and haven't been seizing my 'now' moments. i'd somehow settled upon a very mediocre and safe way of living. and i was standing in my shower, having this conversation with god, i realized i couldn't continue to live this way. it has to stop - NOW. i have to stop selling my relationship with my god short and start believing and trusting him with this same sort of sold out passion that i need to apply to EVERY area of my life: work, friends, family, recovery, church, etc .... i heard him saying, "sarah, who cares about the risks??! you have me! and i am not going anywhere, ever. i love you and together, you can fear nothing."

i broke down at this point, i was so overwhelmed. i now saw my life in a completely different light and it was so powerful. god was calling me to live as if every hard, and painful thing that i have gone through was a blessing because it caused me to give all the glory to god because i physically and emotionally couldn't handle it or rescue myself on my own. and now he's given me another painful and incredibly hard thing to deal with and yet instead of wallowing in the knowledge of what i have to deal with now every day of my life, i am filled with joy because i can relate even more to broken people who need to see jesus. as i stood crying in my bathroom, i started seeing my life flash by as a series of events that i could use to connect and show god's incredible, passionate, never ending love and mercy with. i realized that i have been blessed so much! my painful and broken past is so beautiful. it's not a story of abuse and heartbreak but instead its a story of a broken girl and powerful man who died to save her life and started to pursue her with a healing love that broke down all her walls and redeemed her from the life she had been living.

i can truly say that right now i am content. i have all i need. and now i am more than ever determined to share my story and tell people of this amazing relationship that i am in and how my life was forever changed by a guy named Jesus.

if you find yourself hurting and feeling alone and unloved, let's talk. i'll make us some coffee and i'll share my story and pray that at the end, you'll be as captivated by my man as i am.